Hi to all.
On the AD Message boards today I was trying to answer a question I had asked myself. The AD Message Boards are broken down into categories. I hope many of you will go there some time and check them out. One of the categories is "I have Alzheimer's." I started talking about what does it mean to say "I have Alzheimer's" I am continuing my thoughts now.
I said how now, 2 years after being diagnosed with EOAD, I was still trying to figure out what that means.
Well, I've lost my thoughts from the Message Boards so I'll have to start over. OK??
I was diagnosed at 53 now I'm 55. So what?? Well, I'm 2 years older. (that sucks).
Will I be me?? Well, who am I now? I'm not who I was before I was diagnosed. Do I recognize the new me? Who is new Me? Do I even like the new me?
I do know some things. I forget most things. If I didn't have my little daily notebook from Emory, I would be lost! I wouldn't remember anything. I check my book 3 times a day. It becomes fuller and fuller each day. I am forgetting more and more. It even reminds me to take my meds (because I forget to do that too). I even forget to eat or bathe sometimes.
I don't worry about having a terminal illness. Hopefully, something else will get me first.
I forget the names of things which really urks me!!! I start out with a thought and the "poof" it's gone with the wind!
I don't sleep well now. I don't seem to even be able to take naps anymore (which used to help me). I can't handle noise and TV makes me crazy (most of the time).
I can't read anymore although I do enjoy my daughter and sister reading aloud to me!
Most of the time I am angry or aggravated! Very seldom happy. I HATE feeling angry!!! It used to be foreign to me but now it's becoming the norm. I am working with a shrink on this. The Seroquel helped with the anger/rage but I blew up like a balloon which made me VERY unhappy and Angry! So, I scratched the Seroquel and started on Geodon, which by the way, I may have to stop because I can't afford it!
What will it be like as I decline? Will I still be me? Who am I now? Who will I become? Will I or my family be able to tolerate me or will I be just a pain in the butt?? A burden?? Is that what I have to look forward to? And what about my family, my daughter, my sister, my cousins and friends???? Will I still have any friends? I lost a lot of them already (including a long relationship of 8 years with a boyfriend).
Losses: They are too numerous to count. Loss of self, job, income, esteem, control, awareness, relationships, and independence just to name a few!
Should I go on? I don't think I will right now. I'm getting angry and tired. I don't know why I'm concerned that I'm tired because I don't sleep much anymore. I am so grumpy!!
I would like to get some good rest. I need it. I feeling scattered and frayed! And, I going to Dallas on Sunday to speak to A Women's Alzheimer's Awareness Educational Group on Monday! I hope I can get my thoughts together. God, please help me. Elena is going with me to help me thru the maze. She's so wonderful!
Goodnight All!
Peace and Hope,
Yes, believe it or not, I still have some hope and I do desperately need some peace! We ALL need them both!
LCC
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Despite what she's lost, my mom is still the same person, for the most part, just more forgetful. But her personality is still there, even when her behavior and thoughts don't make much sense (she's much, much farther along than you are)....she still wants to go shopping and out to eat, she still likes car rides and the casino.....it's not hard to see that she's the same in all the ways that are deep-down "her".
ReplyDeleteDear Carol, Thanks for sharing. It's good to know!
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