Monday, August 31, 2009

The Last day in August

Hi. Dad did well with his cataract surgery! Yes! He actually took a nap after I got him home. Gloria stayed with Mom so everything worked out OK. I fed Mom & Dad lunch and dinner. Cleaned up kitchen. Put out trash! (Keith helped). Whew. Fed Keith and I and the white dog. Simon hasn't come home yet. I'm tired.

I picked up Keith today. He and I worked on the upstairs apartment. God, We worked a few hours and still there's a lot of stuff up there. We packed up Mom's depression glass (she can't bear to part with it). Put more stuff in an already stuffed attic. Have to try to get everything off the floors to be able to get the new floors laid!

Dad's gone to bed. He's tired. Mom doesn't want to go to bed yet. Yikes, she drives me bonkers sometimes!

Keith's watching Monday night football loudly! (he's getting deaf too) Ahhh, I'm over-stimulated! Too much noise and commotion today!!! My nerves are frazzled!!
Mom's tv is soooooooo loud that it's competing with the TV here! I'm going looney woo woo!! (family joke).

Well, I can't take my meds until I put Mom to bed so I'll just have to deal with all this noise! God, help me!!! I just had to ask Keith to turn down the tv. I just can't take it! Sometimes, I feel guilty because Keith helps me a lot and he doesn't have cable at his house. I would tell him to go watch tv in the bedroom that he sleeps in when he's here but there's no tv in there! And, I don't want him in my bedroom (I can be such a witch sometimes, huh?)

I'm just a little stressed and I'd like to take my meds and go to bed but I can't!

I'm sorry to be so witchy!

I'll change the subject. I ordered a book from the library called "Who moved MY Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, M.D. I got through a few pages but I have soooo much trouble reading. It's really terrible not being able to read!! I wish Aimee or Linda were here to read to me. (This book did not come on tape or CD) I thought almost all books did but they don't!! It's a real drag when they don't! Anyway, this book is supposed to help people adapt to change. I hope it can help me adapt to all my changes!

I was doing my Peer Volunteer work on the AD Message Boards earlier and someone started a thread called "Does anyone with AD ever adapt?" Interesting, I think my EOAD requires me to adapt almost every day sometimes every hour in some form or another. I don't think one can just adapt and then that's it. EOAD/YOAD is a monster that requires constant attention. IT feeds on constant attention. It forces its captors to forget many things in order to give IT the attention it requires!! When someone tries NOT to give IT the attention is desires, IT robs its captor of everyday things, memories, and even thinking! IT'S an all consuming MONSTER!!

Wow, I was getting kinda heavy there! My roller coaster is going faster and faster, twisting and turning. It even jumps the track sometimes trying to get me to let go or fall off! Thank goodness I seem to have a good grip so far. My meds help. And, my family helps by holding me in my seat sometimes. Those extra hands are really necessary sometimes!! I so blessed to have a warm, loving family!!

Wow, I'm so tired and Mom's wide awake.

I gotta go now.

"Sometimes Dead is better."

Hurry home, Linda!


Sunday, August 30, 2009

Starting a New week.

Yes, today is Sunday. The beginning of a brand new week.

What did I do today? Not much. I visited and sat with Mom this am so Dad could go walk in the mall. I fixed her breakfast. Put her on the bsc. I did some laundry. Spoke with my sister & BIL as well as my daughter. Aimee is just so funny and clever! She makes me laugh. I miss her.

Had a lovely visit from my other daughter Alexis. A brief, but wonderful visit. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and I was lonesome for her. It was good to see and hug her. We laughed and chit-chatted! She's turning into a lovely young girl (she's 13). I wish her Dad (my ex) wasn't such a creep. He's always treated Alexis as #1 and his little princess. Now, with this new woman he's with, he's not giving Alexis any attention! Her heart is broken! He's sucking up to this new Meal Ticket instead of making his daughter feel special. What a LOUSE!!! My heart aches for Alexis! He's such a Gigolo!!

I watched one of my favorite movies on TCM tonight called "You can't take it with you!" It's a wonderful screwball comedy with a great cast. I really enjoyed it. If you get a chance, please rent or see it. It's marvelous!

Well, I'm tired, as usual. I have to take Dad early in the morning to have his cataract surgery on his other eye. Gloria is due to come and stay with Mom. Wish us luck! And, prayers too please!

Peace and Hope,


Saturday, August 29, 2009

"Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody!"

Hi. Yes it's Saturday night. I'm home alone. Well, not exactly alone, this white dog is sleeping next to me as I write this blog. Orange cat is outside catting around! lol.

Had a really great visit with my Country Cousins today! Denise, Miranda and Meaghan came bearing gifts of wonderful foods! How lucky I am to have such great, thoughtful cousins! I have to add that my cousin Phil sent food but couldn't make the journey. We missed him.

We had a wonderful visit. Ate, laughed, talked, looked at old pictures, took some new pictures, had a blast. Mom and Dad really seemed to enjoy the company. It was good to see them and to share stories and memories!

Later, when they had gone, Dad and I watched the Saints Football game. Then I fed Mom and Dad and went home. I was soooo tired. I fed my animals and myself then sat down to watch an old movie on TCM "Lolita." I had forgotten how long that movie was. It was good!

Later, I went on line to do some Peer Volunteer Work. Now, here I am.

Tired, as usual.

I did talk with Aimee and Linda today. Aimee was fine but Linda had a belly ache. I'll have to call and check on her in the am. She's a very brittle diabetic so I worry a little when she gets sick. Although, Michael takes good care of her.

Well, goodnight ALL.

Thanks for coming and reading and caring. It really means a lot to me.


Friday, August 28, 2009


I made it. It's Friday!

Went to court yesterday re: lawsuit against my ex. I won the first round. The judge threw out all this "Exceptions." Rusty tried to say that WE took the loan together! Ha! What a liar! It was a loan for him to go to Trucking school. Anyway, the judge said that if I had any kind of a witness that this was Rusty's loan and that the said he would pay it and me back, that I could prove my case. I do have a couple of witnesses, so we go back to court on Sept. 29th! I'll bring my witnesses. I think next time Rusty will bring an attorney.

Jamey and Derek came in yesterday. Derek flew to Houston to pickup a car for his Mom and drove back late last night. Jamey and I visited yesterday pm and this am. They will be leaving to go home soon.

Aimee called. She's doing OK. Eric's home today so they will run errands and get things done. Spoke with Michael. He's OK and Linda had gone to the doctors for a check-up.

Mom and Dad are doing ok. No more falls for Mom (thank goodness). She had blood work done today. Dad is having cataract surgery Monday AM. Gloria will come to be with Mom and I'll take Dad.

My Comeaux cousins are coming in tomorrow. I'm excited to see them.

Went to the shrink on Wednesday. It was my first visit. He was ok. We talked about my weight gain and anger. He said Seroquel was known for weight gain, so he switched me to Geodon. I stopped the Seroquel and started that last night. I sure hope it works for the anger/rage as well as decreasing my appetite.

That's all the news for now. I'm very tired from yesterday. Court seemed to wear me out more than I realized!

Peace and Hope.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wow, It's Wednesday!

Hi. The last few days have been rather hectic. Recovering from the garage sale, getting ready for court tomorrow and helping Dad get rid of old books.

Oh, I went to this new shrink today, Dr. Sidney Smith. He was OK. Not much personality but what did I expect from a shrink?? I told him why I was there Anger/Rage and being Fat! We discussed that I had EOAD, my meds and my life (briefly). Hard to get all that in 45 minutes. Anyway, he asked which problem did I consider number 1?? I said I equally hated the anger and the fat! He did say that Seroquel was known for weight gain. He said that there was another drug in that class to help me with the anger but didn't have the weight gain called Geodon. I said I'd try it. Soooo, he gave me a few samples and a prescription to fill. He said I don't have to wean off anything just stop the Seroquel and start the Geodon. That's what I will do! Wish me luck!!

Mom is still in decline and Dad is trying to cope by keeping busy. A couple of days ago Dad came and got me early one morning as Mom had fallen again next to the bed and was on the floor. Together we were able to get her safely back in bed. Of course, there was urine everywhere but at least she wasn't hurt (her guardian angel must work overtime).

A received a call from Denise, one of my Country Cousins, asking if she and a couple of other cousins could come to visit this Saturday. They had cooked Mom & Dad some goodies and wanted to come and bring them. "Of course, I said. We'd be delighted!" Mom and Dad will be happy for the company. (I'm very excited too!)

My cousin Jamey and her hubby Derek are coming in tonight to stay. Derek will be flying to Houston tomorrow to pick up a car for his Mom and drive it back here. Jamey will stay with me. Then, When Derek returns, they will spend another night here and drive back to Mississippi. I'm excited to see them!

Tomorrow is court day! I have filed a law suit against my ex (Rusty) for not paying his student loan and me having to pay it. It is small claims court in front of a Justice of the Peace. I have a feeling Rusty will bring an attorney. I'll bring me. (I don't have the money for an attorney). I have written some thoughts down. I hope the judge will let me read them. According to Rusty, he's unemployed (again). It will be interesting because if he's unemployed how can he afford an attorney? Well, his new Sugar Mama has been paying for everything so I guess she'll pay for this too!!!!!

I needs prayers and lots of them! Thanks for listening and caring.

Peace and Hope,


Sunday, August 23, 2009

I survived!

Hello to All. Yes, I survived the garage sale! I'm sore and achy but alive. I realized some things during this adventure. I cannot handle money like I thought I could. Thank goodness for Keith. He was a God send! I'm not as social as I used to be and I don't seem to like people as much anymore.

These things make me a little sad. I used to be a very social person, always doing things, having lots of friends. It's very different now. I have very few friends now. And, I don't seem to fit it many places and situations any more. Boy, life sure has changed for me. Having EOAD/YOAD really sucks!

I received a response from the court from my ex about the lawsuit. He's still trying to get out of paying me for that loan. The creep!! My SIL Terry is supposed to come by today and look at the response to see if I need to do anything further. I, also, e-mailed my friend Gair (an attorney) and faxed him the new paperwork but haven't heard from him yet. Court is this Thursday @ 11:30am !!

Mom got her hair cut short Friday and she looks cute! Poor Dad seems to be slowing down more and more and seems to be suffering with some disgust and depression.

White dog and orange cat are fine. In fact, white dog was snoring so loudly this morning (he was next to me in bed) that he woke me up!! It was 5:00am !! lol. Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm hoping to take a nap later today.

Spoke with Linda and Michael this morning. There still busy bees trying to get their house packed up to move in October! I hope they don't wear themselves out!

Aimee & Eric were doing fine yesterday when I spoke with them. They're still working on Eric's office.

Well, that's about all the news for now.

Hope y'all have a good day!


Friday, August 21, 2009

It's Friday before the storm

Hi. It's Friday night already. The calm before the storm. The storm being my garage sale tomorrow morning. Wow, I've been working really hard (my back is killing me)! Keith and I picked up the tables yesterday. I've been pulling out and sorting things until I can't see straight anymore.

The Alzheimer's Assn of Greater New Orleans had their Memory Walk kick off party this evening from 5 - 8pm. I went and volunteered. It was nice. (Our Memory Walk is on Sat. Oct. 3rd.) There was a fair amount of people there. I wish there were more. We can't seem to get the word out about how devastating Alzheimer's disease is and how it will bankrupt Medicare within the next 10 years or so. Just treating Alzheimer's disease alone will bankrupt Medicare! That doesn't count all the other diseases and illnesses! That doesn't seem to frighten many people but it sure scares the hell out of me!!

It was harder to be social tonight. I would have preferred to just sit and be alone. But, when you volunteer, you need to help. So I did.

Mom was kind of a mess today. She woke up late, weak and confused. She had several incontinent episodes including one a few minutes b4 I came home from the AD party. Dad looked so upset and tired that I went ahead and cleaned Mom up and changed her. That was the third time today and Gloria was here this am!

I spoke with a guy tonight who is a producer at one of the TV stations here. I requested that he do some Alzheimer Ads without people with gray hair! I'm so tired of ALL the AD commercials showing only much older people! I asked him, "What about us, people like me?" " Why don't we get any representation??? The public needs to know about US too!!!" He said he'd check into it. (What else could he say)?

I kinda feel like Taxation without Representation!! WHAT ABOUT ALL OF US (about 600,000) WITH EARLY/YOUNG ONSET ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE????? I guess I need to get off my soapbox now. I'm just tired. As usual.

I'm waiting for Keith. He's going to spend the night here so we can get up bright and early and set up this garage sale.

Wish me Luck!!

Peace, Hope and Good Sleep,


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wow, It's Wednesday already!

Hi to All. I don't know where the time has gone. I am having a garage sale this Saturday and it's been a little crazy getting ready! Renting tables, sorting things, organizing stuff, getting boxes, signs, permits. I'm sure I'm forgetting somethings but, oh well. Thank goodness for my friend Keith who has been helping me on his time off!

I have increased my Seroquel and it seems to be helping with my anger. I am taking 50mg XR in the am and 75mg regular in the pm. I feel a little better. Not quite so rageful although Keith says I still pretty irritable! lol.

White dog and orange cat are fine although they take up a lot of room in my king sized bed!! I was thinking about down-sizing to a queen bed when I move upstairs but I decided not to. The animals would take over my bed! lol.

Mom seems to be the same. Perhaps declining just a little. Since Gloria comes more often it's less stress on me which is what I really needed!! I still see and spend time with Mom daily but I don't have all the care! Mom seems to do well with Gloria so it's a real blessing!

Dad went to the doctor today to get his clearance for his other cataract surgery. Everything went well. His surgery is scheduled in a couple of weeks. Good.

Aimee is still dieting and exercising (and not real happy about it). Linda and Michael are still trying to get their house ready to put on the market. Jamey is OK but her grown children are still having relationship issues. It's very sad!

I've been trying to read this book called "Alzheimer's from the Inside out" by Richard Taylor. It's so difficult for me to read. It's a pretty good book but it's taking me forever to read it. Richard suffers with EOAD too. It's from his perspective. (No, the book is not on tape or CD).

I saw my migraine neurologist yest. She agreed with me that my migraines seem to be
under control with my change in meds. Funny, I had a migraine 2 days ago and again today but hadn't had many in a while. I wonder if it's the stress of the garage sale???

My life is still very lonely. Oh, I try to stay busy but..........Oh well, you know how it is to be alone! (It would be nice to have someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok ). It sucks sometimes yet it's better than being with the wrong person.

I still love my Peer Volunteer work and I am active with the AD Assn. I'm trying to diet but it's tough. I still seem to be searching for something that really tastes good and hits the spot (no such luck lately).

I wonder how long I will be able to be on my own. It frightens me to think I will become dependent! My visual/spatial thing is getting worse. I am having problems with stairs. Sometimes, when driving I have problems distinguishing distance between cars and turns and stuff.

Well, I'm tired. I'm not sure why because I took a 3 hour nap today. lol.

Peace and Hope. Sleep well.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Today is Sunday

Jeff and I went to see the Harry Potter and the Half blood Prince last night. I saw that movie when it first came out. I took Aimee and Alexis to see it. When I saw it last night it was like seeing it for the first time. It really scared me that I didn't remember anything from seeing it the first time! I really know I'm declining now. That was a huge reality check!

Woke up this am around 8ish. Did am adls. Checked on Mom and Dad but they were still sleeping. Good. Took my animals out and then fed them.

Made cafe au lait and went on line to do some Peer Volunteer work. Called Linda. She and Michael are Ok but working hard on getting ready to move down here in October.

Mom and Dad woke up. I went to visit with Mom so Dad could eat his breakfast in peace and read his Sunday morning paper. Later, we went to talk at the Mall. I think this keeps him healthy and also keeps him from going crazy!

Aimee called later. She and Eric were just hanging at home today. They were fine. Turtle too! Aimee is so cute and funny. She makes me laugh!!

Later, I showered/bathed. My friend Gari came to visit. She's a good old friend. We had a nice talk. She went upstairs with me to check out my new apartment. She liked it and said she could probably lay the tile behind the sink! Yea!!

I've been searching on line for a bicycle. Wow, there's so many choices. I think I've narrowed my decision down to 3 bikes: a Schwinn Ladies Delmar Cruiser, a Huffy Girls Cranbrook Cruiser, or a Schwinn Median Adult Tricycle. I'd like a blue bike. Blue is my favorite color! Always has been as far as I can remember. I am searching for a used bike especially if I decide on the tricycle as it is expensive!

Had breakfast for dinner (Eggs and Turkey Bacon). Took my pm meds early. This is going to be a big week. The garage sale is this Saturday. Keith is coming tomorrow to help me get organized!

Sleep Well.


Saturday pm/Sunday am

Woke up every early this morning around 6am to go to the bathroom. I was, also, having a bag dream (no, don't remember). Got up and did what I had to do then I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally, got out of bed about 6:25a. Let white dog and orange cat out. Then, fed them. Checked on Mom and Dad but they were still sleeping. Good!

Went back home and made some coffee. Yumm! Rolled some cigarettes and turned on the TV. Nothing was on, as usual, so I turned it off. Winston laid on the sofa next to me for me to pet him. So, I did. He LOVES to be petted!

I went on line to do some Peer Volunteer work. Things were kinda slow this am. Not too much happening. Also, decided to start looking for a bicycle and helmet. Gosh, I couldn't believe how many kinds of bikes there are and boy, do they get expensive! Wow, it was really wild!

I've been trying a start eating less. It is very difficult because I still don't get any real satisfaction from my food like I used to. I am constantly eating a little of this or that looking for just that right flavor. Most of the time, it never happens. My food is pretty blah!!!

Now, you have to understand that I'm from New Orleans. Good food is important here. Lots of good spicy dishes from all over the world are here made Louisiana style. There's no food like it anywhere in the world! One of the pleasures of living here is the food. Now, that's gone too! It really sucks!

Spoke with Linda and Aimee. Everything was fine in NJ and Atlanta. Good!

Later, Dad woke up. He didn't look good. I asked him what kind of night he and Mom had and he said terrible. Mom got up to use the BSC, fell (luckily, she wasn't hurt badly), urinated on the carpet, and of course couldn't get up. Dad struggled for a while and finally got her back in bed!!Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Did he call me or come get me to help? NO !!! Dad and I have had this discussion over a dozen times. He promises to call me for help and the doesn't!!! It drives me soooooo crazy!! I was so angry and upset, I called Linda to vent!

Later, I tried to read some of this book "Alzheimer's from the inside out" but didn't get very far. It's complicated reading. I just got too frustrated! Later, I took a nap!

Linda and I were talking on the phone today and she had some interesting observations and thoughts after having read some postings on the AD message boards. She goes there to read and hopefully better understand AD/EOAD.
She said that she read the some of us (people with AD/Dementia) give out mixed signals to our Caregivers, families and friends. She say we talked about wanting to be treated as normal (whatever normal is) but that when people spoke too quickly or did things too quickly we got aggravated and wanted them to slow down. So, in fact, we need to be treated differently!! But, we hate the fact that we need to be treated differently. It was a very interesting observation on her part!

I guess we do give mixed signals because OUR signals are mixed up or because we get mixed signals. Also, our world is mixed up and every changing which requires us to continue changing and adapting to just keep up! It's very exhausting!! Others too continue to hide/cover up their problems/disease which makes everything even tougher on everyone! We (people with EOAD/AD/Dementia) need to be more upfront and verbal to our Caregivers about what our needs really are. We can't expect them to be mind readers of readers of our feelings which constantly change!

I wonder if there is a compromise there? Any thoughts, anyone?

Sweet Dreams!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

I still can't get no satisfaction!

Woke up this am late. Mom's door bell was ringing! Oh my God, did I over sleep? I jumped out of bed and put on a night gown. Gosh, it's 8:00am and I haven't heard anything from Mom!!
I ran to the door and it was G L O R I A!! yes!.. Let her in. Checked on Mom who had been asleep. She was telling me she thought the front door bell was ringing! (it was the back door) but who cares, she was OK and Gloria was here!

Gloria and I got Mom up. Did am ADLS. I gave her AM meds and left her in the good hands of Gloria! Wow, thank goodness I didn't screw up. Mom was OK and Gloria was there! Hoorah!

Went back home. Washed my face and brushed my teeth trying to wake up. Let white dog and orange cat out, then, fed them.

Ahh, time for coffee! Made myself some cafe au lait and went back to check on Mom. She and Gloria were fine. Good, I'll go back home and wake up.

Drank some coffee. Rolled some cigarettes. Yes, I still smoke. Can't seem to give up the nasty habit. But, I bought some good tobacco, some tubes and a rolling machine! Saves me LOTS of money. Cigarettes were getting too damn expensive! Soooo, I roll my own now. Please, don't fuss and lecture. I know I should quit. Dad, Aimee, Eric and Linda have quit! Most of my friends are non smokers but I can't seem to give it up!! I've tried several times unsuccessfully!!!

Ok, back to this am. I think Aimee called. She's doing OK. Dieting and exercising and frustrated but doing OK. Then, I called Linda. I can't remember if I talked with her or Michael but they're OK too. Good! Less to worry about!

Later, I received a phone call from Juliette with Dr. Harch's office. Oh, I had called him about a week ago re: an article I read about treating EOAD with Hyperbaric Oxygen. We spoke. The treatment is $8,000.00 which is NOT covered by insurance. It's $200 per treatment x 40 treatments! I could take one or two tx's per day. She said I could have my life back like before EOAD. I asked how but she really couldn't explain it other than the hyper oxygen could heal my brain. First, I got excited, then I thought to myself, how does oxygen heal or get rid of plaques and tangles (the hallmark of AD)???? I told Juliette I didn't have that kind of money. She told me to get together with a church and do a fund raiser to get the money. I asked if Dr. Harch had published in the New England Journal of Medicine, she said she didn't think so but that the had published a book called "Oxygen Revolution." I told her I'd get the book from the library. She said that the waiting period for an appointment was about 3-4 weeks. I thanked her and told her I'd be in touch!

Then, I called my sister Linda who was VERY excited until I explained everything to her. Oh, yea, she said. I will get Dr. Harch's book. He may really have something new to offer me but I have to check it out and talk with other patients and doctors!

Later, I did AM ADLs and went to my EOAD support group meeting which I really enjoyed! It was small and cozy but informative and fun.

I came home to have a salad. I was planning to go our shopping for a bike and helmet but Dad called and he was running late at work. Gloria had to leave so I stayed with Mom.

Did some Peer Volunteer work on the AD message Boards. Visited with Mom. Then Dad came home.

I checked my e-mails. Fed my animals and took Winston for a walk. Keith called. He wanted to go get a cocktail. I ate dinner and met him for a drink. He was blitzed! We had one drink together and then I came home. Now, I am having some Baileys Irish Cream on the rocks which is very good.

I realized tonight how lonely my life is! As I write this blog, my white dog is laying next to me on the sofa with his butt pressed next to my hip on the sofa sleeping. That's about the most contact I have now! How sad!!

Well, as Tommy used to say, "That's life in the Big Windy City!"

Peace, Hope and Good Sleep to All,


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Not a good Tuesday.

I don't know what happened but I woke up this am and was very angry and agitated. God, it's a terrible way to wake up! I slept OK last night. I tried some slow, deep breathing but that did nothing but irritate me. Poor Keith was here and I think he got the brunt of my anger. I was supposed to go do some volunteer work at the AD Assn but I just couldn't. I felt like a would just bite everybody's head off. Elena called and I guess I was OK but not a happy camper.

Spoke briefly with Linda and Aimee. They're OK. Thank goodness!

I did file an amendment to the original law suit I filed against my ex (thanks to Terry and Keith). And I did receive a phone call from Gair (an attorney friend from the past) who said he'd help me if I needed him! That was good news.

I've decided to have a garage/yard sale on Sat. Aug.22nd. Keith and I got my permit today. Keith and I will just haul things down and out and I'll see what I can get!! The upstairs apartment just has too much stuff out to go through the last closet and then the kitchen. Soooooo, I need to get rid of some stuff. There will be some good bargains for a lot of garage sailers!!

Gloria just left for the day and Dad's not home yet. I think he had to go to the pharmacy to pick up some prescription for he and Mom. Mom only ate a banana for lunch. I asked her if she wanted something else. She said no because she's not hungry. Gloria said she and Mom have been walking in the great room and down the hall the last 2 days! Wow, I was really excited! Mom and I had discussed this over the weekend. She was complaining about getting weaker and not being able to walk and that her life sucked. I reiterated that "if you don't use it you loose it." She kinda got mad but then agreed. She said she would walk with Gloria (not me). I said, "Great." Apparently, she is doing what she said!

White dog is here with me sleeping on the loveseat! Simon is outside. I do miss my little yorkie named Rudy (he's with my ex).

That's all the news for now.

Peace and Hope,


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Days of disappointments

Hi to All.
Yesterday, Saturday, I was very excited and waited to see Alexis. I hadn't seen her in a few weeks and I was lonesome for her. After almost a full day of waiting, she called and canceled. She said she had a bad stye on her eye lid that was painful. I have to say I don't think she was telling me the truth. I think she was either tired or got a better offer from her family or friends. Ah, well, such is the life of a 13 year old girl!! It just makes me sad. I do miss her very much. I talk to her a lot but I feel she's slipping away from me. (maybe it's for the best but it makes my heart so full and heavy and sad). My eyes fill with tears and my heart sinks at the thought of loosing her. She's like the 2nd daughter I had always wished for. My husband, Tommy, died after Aimee was born but before we could have another child. Deep in my heart I had always wished for 2 girls. Like my sister and me. It was great having a sister growing up! I had hoped Aimee wouldn't grow up alone. Well, Marty (my step son) was around but he was so much older than Aimee. What's that old saying? "You can't cry over spilled milk!" I just can't help my tears.

I,also, think it is because I am missing Aimee so much! She lives so far away and I don't get to see her that often. Perhaps Alexis has been a kind of substitute for Aimee??

Ok, I can only cry so much. Then today, Keith called this AM and said he had to work but that he would come this evening to help me work on the apartment. Well, when he got off this afternoon, he canceled too!! He chose alcohol over me, his friend! Golly, is it me?? I wonder. These days I wonder a lot!

My SIL Terry met me at the library today. We looked up "the Exceptions" that my ex filed to counter the lawsuit I filed against him. Seems like Terry found a way for me to show "Cause of Action" (I think that's what she told me). So, tomorrow, I will go to the courthouse to file an amendment to my law suit. Wish me luck!

Mom and Dad are doing OK. I cooked some pork ribs last night for dinner. I had cooked them for Alexis (she loves ribs) but there was plenty for Mom and Dad. They seemed to enjoy them. Also, did some mac & cheese and a salad. And brownies, I made brownies because Alexis LOVES brownies! Guess I'll just have to eat them myself! lol. (Guess I'll just get fatter and fatter!) YUK!

Mom seems to be getting weaker. She is having less urinary accidents lately but is weaker and I'm not sure why. I've studied her meds and they seem OK. I think it has to do with the fact that Mom doesn't do anything!! We get her up in the morning. She does am ADLS with assistance. We wheel her to her recliner and there she stays until she goes to bed!! Rarely does she walk anywhere in the house. She really doesn't do anything! Oh, she watches tv or reads a magazine but physically she does NOTHING!!! She does go to get her hair done once a week ( I mean Dad or I take her, mostly Dad). And, if she has a doctor's appointment or tests, we take her there too. But, that's it! She won't go anywhere else! She sits/reclines in that chair day after day, hour by hour! It's very sad to watch! I gave up trying to get her to walk or exercise of anything like that. It made her mad at me and she called me Hitler and stuff like that.

Well, that what's happening. Some pretty depressing stuff? huh? Yeah, sometimes my life is pretty depressing.

I did speak with Linda and Aimee today so that was good.

Well, hell, I'm tired as usual. I did take my PM meds so did Winston! So, me, white dog and orange cat will say goodnight.

Oh, I ordered a book from the library called "Alzheimer's from the Inside Out" by Richard Taylor and I picked it up today. Richard has EOAD like me. I don't know if I'll be able to read it or not. I really have lots of problems reading books. Lately, I've been unsuccessful. But, this book didn't come on tape or CD and I heard it was really good. So, I will attempt to start reading this book tomorrow when I am fresh. Keep your fingers crossed! I really want to read this book! I hope I don't crash and burn!

Peace, Hope and good sleep,


Friday, August 7, 2009

A fairly good Friday

Hi. Woke up around 7:45am. Mom was still sleeping. Dad had eaten and was in the bathroom. Good. Time to take care of white dog and orange cat and make some coffee!

Dad came to let me know he was going to the post office then to walk in the mall. He said Mom had a bad night. She was up several times. The last time Dad found her on the floor!! Luckily, she didn't seem to be hurt. She kinda slid off the bed onto the carpet (thank God). But, did Dad call me or come and get me????? NO !!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!
I can't seem to get him to understand to call me! It is so frustrating!!! He struggled for quite some time to get Mom up off the floor!! I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm talking to the wall!! Sometimes I feel like a want to slap him and say "Hey, you're an intelligent man, use your head!!!"

Well, of course I was upset when Dad told me what had happened. That slow burn of anger that I live with was starting to surface. I rushed Dad off to walk so that I didn't blast him out!! I almost bit my tongue off but at least I had a few moments of anger control. (It's getting harder and harder. Sometimes I don't have any control).

Mom continued sleeping like a baby so I grabbed another cup of cafe au lait! Even watched a little news on TV. Just as Gloria arrived, Mom rang her bell. Great timing! We got Mom up. Am Adls done. Meds given! It's a good start. I had some things to do at home so I kissed Mom and left!

Checked my e-mails. Did some Peer Volunteer work. Then, went to bathe/shower and get dressed and ready. I had plans to have lunch with an old friend. She & I had never been close but had always gotten along in a group.

Grace and I met at Houston's for lunch. I couldn't remember how many years it had been since I had seen her. (We attended the same high school). I had seen her a few times since high school. Lunch was fun. We had a salmon appetizer (delicious), iced tea (the house wine of the south), I had a burger and she had a steak salad. It was all very good. I can't say great because my taste buds are so off the very few things taste GREAT!

By the time I got home, Mom and Dad were home. Dad had taken Mom to get her hair done and then he had gone to the grocery. They were both doing fine.
Went back on line to do some more Peer Volunteer Work. Tried watching a little TV but it just aggravated me so I turned it off. Played my Nintendo (Brain Age games).

Dad had bought fried catfish for dinner. Great. Nice and easy!

Fed my animals then walked Winston. Man, was it hot! Heat index 104 and this was at 7pm!! Wow, I felt like I was melting like the wicked witch of the west!! Winston walked a bit but was glad to come back into the a/c!!

Watched "Gilda" on TCM. It's a great movie! Did more Peer Volunteer work. Now here I am again. I'm tired. I'm going to bed. sleep tight all.

Oh, Alexis is coming tomorrow afternoon! I'm so excited. I haven't seen her in a few weeks and I miss her. She's planning to spend the night! A girl's night together, how wonderful!

Peace and Hope,


Thursday, August 6, 2009

An even better day!

Hi to All. I did sleep better last night with the increased dose of Seroquel. I have decided to stay at this dose for the next few days to see what happens. Wish me luck!

Today has been a better day! Woke up, did am adls, Mom was still sleeping. Good.
This gives me a chance to get my head on straight to start the day. Had a headache with some flashes. (Oh no. hope it's not a migraine). Made coffee and took ibuprofen. Took Winston and Simon out then fed them breakfast. Some throbbing with the headache but no nausea. Good!

Checked on Mom again. She was still sleeping. I guess the trip to get her nails done yesterday wore her out! (but I think she really enjoyed it!)

Drank my cafe au lait and looked at my schedule for today. Pretty busy. Lots happening today. Just as Mom was waking up Gloria came in! Hooray! Gloria and I got Mom up, did am adls, and wheeled her to her recliner. I gave Mom her morning meds, kissed her good-bye and went to start my day, after all Gloria was there and she was safe!

Had a Peer Volunteer phone meeting @ 10am. Enjoyed that. We had lots to talk about. The AD Message Boards are growing and we are getting ready to recruit some more Peer Volunteers. Lots going on. We had a good meeting.

Went to bath/shower. Then went to Patty @ Pachuco to get a haircut. Wow, did I need one! It was fun and feels great. Then, went to the grocery. Man, was it hot!! I was schlepping groceries to and from the car and then into the house. Wow, I was sweating like a pig!! Oink Oink! lol.

When I was finished I had to get some cold water and get sit on the sofa in the a/c for a few minutes to cool down. Of course, white dog was running around like a maniac trying to get my attention!! I told him it was too hot to play right now.

Put the groceries away and it was time to leave again. I had a manicure/pedicure appointment! Wow, what a treat! Cindy did a good job and I felt more like me!

Came home. Went to check on Mom to make sure Dad made it home on time. They were both fine. Dad was on the phone talking with my sister Linda. Apparently, Linda told Dad about all the problems I have been having lately. (I didn't share them with Mom & Dad because it just upsets them & makes the worry). Linda even took exerpts from my blog and sent them to my Dad! At first, I was angry with Linda. Dad seemed pretty upset. But then slowly he started talking about hiring Gloria to come more hours to give he & I more help!! Yea!!!!! That's just what we both need!! yes! Ok, Linda, I forgive you and thanks!

Sooooooooo, that was my day today. Better, don't you agree??? My low burn anger is still there but it is not so significant (I think). I will continue my meds, try to get some good sleep and hope that each day will bet better!!

Good night all. Hope y'all sleep well.

Peace and Hope.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm a little better

Increased my Seroquel last night. Slept a little better. Didn't seem to wake up so angry! Good! Plan to stay at the increased dose and see what happens.

Had Mom all day today. I'm real tired. I'll post tomorrow!



Tuesday, August 4, 2009

August 4th, 2009

Today I'm not going to talk about what I did. I'm going to try to talk about how I'm doing and feeling. So, here goes..........

I'm feeling very anxious, angry and even rageful!! Just about everything and everyone irritates me. I can't even handle watching TV tonight. It's aggravating and irritating! I don't know what's happening to me?! This anger/rage is draining me of all my energy. I don't even want to go out. I have to force myself to walk Winston. I feel a monster is growing inside me and some day I'm just going to BURST!!

My appointment with the new shrink is not until the end of this month. I'm not sure I'm gonna last that long. I may just start increasing my Seroquel on my own to keep this monster at bay?! Yeah, That's what I'm going to do, increase my Seroquel!!!

I'm still having a lot of bad dreams. I don't really remember them per se but when I wake up I feel upset and angry. Don't really know what that's about except that I must not be sleeping well.

I haven't been able to take any naps lately due to this anger. It keeps me awake and my heart pounds! I try walking around the house or doing laundry or some light cleaning ( bad back) but it doesn't seem to help much. And the heat outside has become unbearable because of the high humidity! One can't hardly breathe outside in August down here. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I feel trapped inside this fat body and crazy mind!!! Is this the madness of Alzheimer's??? Is this what happens as one declines??? This roller coaster is getting tougher and tougher to hold on to!

It's strange. Part of me is terrified to decline any further. Really terrified! And then part of me that is tired fighting this disease says I wish it would just hurry up and take me!
Take me into the madness so I won't have to fight every day or even every minute to stay sane and keep me alive and being me!!

Who am I anyway? Who have I become? Do I even recognize me anymore??? Is this madness starting to take me in? Is this the twilight zone that I'm so afraid of??
Or is this just a tired, old me? Tired of fighting, tired of being a caregiver, tired of loosing things, tired of trying to remember things, tired of a lot of things???

I just don't know. All I do know is that I'm very tired of living angry!!



Monday, August 3, 2009

I'm glad today is over!

Woke up today and, wow, I can't remember!! Let's see, It's Monday. Ok, Mom was up and Dad was gone, I think?? I really don't remember much but I do remember that Gloria came around 9:00am.

Spoke briefly with Linda and Aimee.

I had coffee, bathed and ran to get Keith. Keith and I then went to the library to try to look up some legal stuff for the law suit that I filed against my ex (he's not paying the educational loan that I helped him get by cosigning- yes, I know, I shouldn't have done that, I'm stupid!!). So, I've been paying that loan for a long time!! Anyway, after about an hour or more at the library, I was tired. Legal jargon wears me out!! Keith and I came home and ate lunch. Then, we tackled the upstairs apartment!! We cleaned out another huge closet! Keith cleaned the old ceiling fans so perhaps I can sell them and get some money! I could use some money. During this time Mom had several incontinent accidents!! Ahhhhhh!

Later, Dad fed he & Mom dinner with food Linda & I cooked & froze. (Starting to run low on home cooked frozen food. Help!) I fed my animals. Walked White dog. Keith & I ate dinner. I did some Peer Volunteer work and now here I am.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that I've been angry all day!! It's getting harder and harder being angry! I don't want or like being angry. It wears me out! I'm hoping the new shrink that I plan to see the end of this month can help me with this anger/rage. Pray for me. I need prayers! And a break!!!

Sleep Well.


Sunday, August 2, 2009


I slept in today. Didn't get up until around 9:30am but knew Dad was home with Mom.

Jeff came over last evening to install my new ceiling fans up in the apartment. He installed one and then we watched a movie. Then, he installed the 2nd one. It was late when he left. I took my pm meds late so I guess that's why I slept so late.

Mom and Dad were up when I got up. They were OK but Dad was waiting me for so he could go shower. Mom, of course, was incontinent! What else is new?! Sometimes I feel sorry for her and sometimes I just get aggravated. I know I shouldn't, she has no control but sometimes I do anyway. I had an angry day yesterday. I think everything just got to me. I have more days like that now. It may be time to increase the Seroquel again?! I just don't know.

I love my Dad but he will pull me into helping him with Mom every time. And sometimes, I just need to be away from it all. I know that sounds selfish but that's how I feel. Since I was diagnosed in the fall of 2006 and lost my job, I've been taking care of Mom!! Yes, I have some help now but Dad still goes to work every day and I'm stuck here!! I'm tired of it and I want a life again! Do I sound like a terrible person?? I'm trying desperately to hold on until my sister & BIL move here in the fall but I getting tired and impatient!

Oh, I wanted to tell y'all about what happened Friday with Mom's stupid PCP and his office. Mom had labs drawn last Monday (her potassium had been low and we were giving her some potassium supplements). He was, also, supposed to be checking Mom for anemia. I called his office on Wed. am and left a message. Called again on Thurs. am, told them the importance of my call, about Mom's lab and potassium. ask the doctor to return my call. Of course, NO RETURN PHONE CALL FROM DOCTOR! Called Again, Fri. am, told the girl I wasn't getting off the phone until I spoke with Mom's doctor. She put me on hold, then came back on the phone and said "yes, your Mom's calcium is low". I said "Calcium??" She repeated "yes, Calcium is low." I said, listen is my Mom's calcium AND potassium low?? She said "NO" the she laughed and said "Oh, I meant Potassium" ( well, I was about ready to explode). She said "the doctor said take her Potassium supplements like before and repeat her labs next Monday. I told her again, I only have 4 potassium pills left. The doctor had ordered her to take 1 potassium pill 3x day for 2 days. She said she'd have to call me back!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Stupid, Stupid, lazy people!!!!!

Finally, received another call from "Doris" and told me to give Mom her potassium 2 x day for 2 days then repeat labs on Monday. Ahhhhhh!!!

Today, Sunday was OK.. Gloria came to stay with Mom while Dad and I went to Tulane Summer Lyric Theatre to see "South Pacific." (Dad's favorite). It stormed before we left but then the rain stopped and everything was OK. The play was great! Of course, I had to wear my ear plugs, but I did OK!! Dad seemed to really enjoy himself!! I was glad.

We Picked up chicken for dinner on the way home. Got home fed white dog and orange cat. Took Winston for his walk. Did some Peer Volunteer work. Now, here I am.
I'm tired. Think I'll take my pm meds now and hit the sack early. I supposed to pick up Keith tomorrow to help me work on the apartment.

Spoke with Aimee. She and Eric were working on Eric's office (stripping off old wallpaper).. Linda and Michael were OK too (the painter's finished) and they were moving thing back in. Soooo, all was well with my family today. Good!

Hope this week is better.

Peace and Hope,