Saturday, October 31, 2009

It's Halloween!

Yes, I've moved and survived, bearly!

I'm living upstairs from Mom and Dad now. Wow, it's so weird! Finally got phone service late this afternoon (although the phone co. said it would be done yesterday.)

I'm sorry I haven't written but I've been exhausted plus I am having computer problems!

Linda and Michael are on their way down here! yea!

I can't wait to see my sister!!!! And Michael too! And the 4 kitties!!

Orange cat and white cat are adjusting to living in a new place! I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night since I've moved here!!!

Aimee & Eric are carving their pumpkin as I write this. I miss them too! Turtle is dressed like a bumble bee!! He's so cute!!!

Happy Halloween to All. Be Safe!!

I'll write more when I can.

Peace and Hope,


Monday, October 26, 2009

Tuesday Oct. 27th 2009

Hi to All. The big move is tomorrow so wish me luck.

I've had a kinda rough day today and Gloria was off because she had to take care of her husband. Dad worked part of the day and was in and out! We both forgot Mom's doctor's appointment today! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! It had to be re-scheduled!

My plate is over-flowing. If Keith wasn't here to help I'd flip!

Aimee & Eric are OK.

Linda and Michael are dog paddling ( I think).

Jamey hurt her neck and Lexie is sick. Alexis is doing well!!!(Thank God).

Julie and Barbara came today but are sleeping elsewhere (thank God!) Keith worked hard today!

Linda's floors were delivered here today. Gosh, it's all so strange!

Donna's son Bobby is coming tomorrow to help Keith with the heavy stuff and if the carpenter shows and puts in the door, I'll be sleeping with my animals upstairs tomorrow night! Wow!!!!!!!!!!! Like sure changes quickly sometimes!!!!!! I sure hope I don't flip out!

I spoke with the phone company today to transfer my phone upstairs. The can't do that until Friday.

The man comes on Wednesday to start laying Linda's floors in my house!! Wow, no, it's Linda and Michael house now! I'm on my sofa now looking around. After 32 years this old house still looks pretty good! Aimee grew up here. She had many slumber parties here! Swimming parties too! This house was filled with lots and lots of little girls for many years! I hope she remembers. So far, I do!

I've gotta stop. I'm tired and I'll drive myself crazy with all the memories here (good and bad)! Tears are running down my face as I remember all the years! Gosh, plenty of people have lived in this little half of double including Jamey and her family!

Gotta stop now. Too much pain. Keith is sleeping and can't help!

Peace and hope to all.


Sunday, October 25, 2009


Today is a little better. I took a nap yesterday afternoon which I think re-set my brain a bit. Dad woke me up (to let me know it was night time). They were doing ok, thank God.

Jeff had called and left a message on the machine that he was available to put together some furniture for me. So, I got up, washed my face, ate a bowl of cereal and called Jeff. He came over and put together my new coffee table and end tables for upstairs. I was still rather confused but Jeff didn't seem to care too much he just sat on the floor and put the stuff together. I was the fetch-it and helper!

Jeff left around 11 or 12. I had forgotten to take my meds so I took them when he left. It was nice of him to come by to do that! Thanks, Jeff!

Aimee and Eric went to Helen yesterday for Octoberfest! It was crowded but they had a good time. Linda and Michael are packing like crazy!!!!

I didn't go to bed until around 1:30am and got up about 6:00am. That's how it's been lately. Sleeping in spurts!!

The Saints play today. I hope I will be able to watch the game with Mom and
Dad. Sometimes, they have the TV soooooooo loud I can't stand it!! We'll see what happens. They have a MUCH bigger TV than me!

I'm a little spacey today but not like yesterday. I have done a few things now I am putting my leg up. I sure wish this leg would heal. It sure slows me down!

Thanks for sharing and caring and your kind words. They mean a lot to me!!!! I'm going to now to do some Peer Volunteer work now!

Peace and Hope,


Saturday, October 24, 2009

It's Saturday afternnoon and all is NOT well!

Hi. I've decided to try to write down what happened a few minutes ago in the bathroom rather than tell anyone and scare them.

I was in the bath room taking a bath when I couldn't remember how you use things and I couldn't remember which things I had done. Had I shampooed my hair or just wet it? I know now I forgot to use the smoothing cleanser on my body (can't think of the name). I couldn't find any deodorant. What's weird is that I couldn't spell deodorant but I found a dictionary to look up the spelling???

I went in the cabinet under the vanity in the bathroom to pack it and I got so confused and so scared. It felt like a demon was upon me! I was blank! My heart started beating fast and my respirations sped up! Anxiety?????? I don't know what it was but it was sooooooooooo confusing that I stopped and cried and left the bathroom!!! I still feel some doom but it's not as bad as before. I feel like I'd like to run and hide but there's no where to go! There's no one to protect me from the monster!! The monster is coming. I can feel it! I just don't know when it will take over!!

I'm trying to hold on to this roller coaster but damn it's getting really hard!! I know my sister & BIL are coming. I must hold on. I can't tell my folks because they'd flip!! They have too much on their plate already!!

Maybe it's the stress of the move??? Maybe things will settle down?? You know what's strange is that I can write this but I can't talk about it! When I talk I burst into tears and fall apart. So, I guess writing will be the way I do this??!! But, my handwriting is getting bad too so perhaps if I can hold onto this computer, I can tell my story.

I hope it helps someone because this feels terrible! It's terrifying!! At times, it gloom and doom!! I hope this will go away for a while. It's still with me now so I'll keep typing! Sometimes, it feels like when I've had too much to drink, or smoked a joint ( it's been 34 years), I feel discomboulated!!!! Everything feels and looks different. Except this keyboard. Maybe that's my reality??

I think it must be stress! I'm trying to become rational. Perhaps the move and all?? I've lived in this house for 32 years!! I'm so glad my sister & BIL are coming but maybe I'll miss my house like she'll miss her house??? I don't know anything anymore!! Yet, at times, I do know some things. It's so weird!!??!!

I hear the pump going in the pool outside and although it aggravates me it, also, gives me comfort because I know the world it still out there. And I guess to everyone else, it is the same world. But not to me! My world is rapidly changing. I hope I get accepted into this new study so I can take some new meds! But, perhaps I'll get the placebo?? Then what?? Oh well. I just can't fight everything!!

My visual/spatial problems are increasing. I am facing the fear of giving up driving!! I'm NOT ready. I'm too young. I don't want to be dependent!!! I am a fairly young, independent woman!! Oh no, that's the old me. Who is this new me? What can she do?? It seems she can't do much. That's NOT acceptable to me! But, who do I fight with or complain to??? Who will give me back the OLD ME???

I HATE being angry, scared and dependent! It's sucks big time!!!! I'm still trying to figure our who this NEW ME is and how to accept her????!!!

I think my mind is playing tricks on me! The devil! I guess Alzheimer's disease makes me feel crazy sometimes????

Now, I'm going to have to start writing down everything!! Did I eat? Did I bathe? Did I feed my animals? Did I take my meds? I don't think my little book is going to hold all that information!

I'm so tired. Tired of this disease. Tired of this day! Hopefully, I can take a nap and not have nightmares!!!

I have to stop now. I can't do this anymore.

Peace and Hope,


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesday, where are the days going?


Didn't get much accomplished today. Went to my doctor yesterday. He sent me for another Ultrasound of my right calf because it's still huge and painful. All I know is that hematoma is larger but I don't have a blood clot (so I guess that's good news).

Went to my therapist today to get some things off my chest. We discussed all the things that have been going on in my life and the quote I read on the AD Message Boards that I liked "We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the like that is waiting for us." I asked her how do I do that? She said she thought I was doing that already by moving upstairs and changing with the flow of life. I said that I'd like to do it more gracefully and with less anger. She said she thought I was doing pretty good under the circumstances. (I don't know that I agree with that). I cried a lot during the session! I had A lot more than I thought I had trapped inside. It came gushing out and I had trouble containing it! It was kind of a mess, then, I had to drive home!! That's not been going well, either. My visual/spatial problems are increasing! help!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think soon my driving days will be over but I haven't given it up completely yet. I'm just not ready!!!! I have an EOAD/YOAD support group tomorrow I plan to attend. I need it! I'll just be very careful. ( Keith has been driving the last few days but he had to go home and go back to work.)

Still packing and planning and moving things up!

Aimee and Eric are doing well. Linda and Michael are finishing up for their upcoming move. I haven't heard from Jamey today. Julie and Barbara are coming next week.

Had to turn the AC back on. It got hot again today! what a drag!

My EX called yesterday (what a jerk). I asked if we could be adults and if I could see my dog Rudy (that I have been missing and dreaming about) but he said NO, the jerk!! What a creep! Anyway, I guess I'll never see my Rudy again! It's so sad. Why does Rusty have to be such an jerk??????????????

I took a nap after therapy. I was wiped out. Mom and Dad are doing fine (thank goodness, awaiting their first born daughter)!

Gotta go put my leg up!

Peace and Hope,


Monday, October 19, 2009

Monday again

Well, tried to rest my leg this weekend but now I've run out of time.

Linda and Michael leave New Jersey Halloween morning. That gives me less than 2 weeks to pack up, move, and get the new floors laid in my old house! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Aimee & Eric are doing fine enjoying some good Georgia weather. Jamey and her family are well. Mom and Dad are hanging in there waiting for Linda and Michael (although Mom fell last week)! Another miracle, nothing broken!!!

White dog and orange cat have been enjoying some nice Louisiana weather too!

Picked up Keith today. He had to drive home because I'm having serious visual-spatial problems. We picked up some clear large containers to pack up some of my stuff in!

Julie & Barbara are coming in next week but are not staying with me. I can't handle anymore stuff!

Well, the push is on!!! Wish me well. I have a lot to do and very little time to do it in!

Peace and Hope,


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thursday before the Storm.

Hi to All,

I haven't written because of my big blue funk but then I decided not to let this funk get in my way so here goes........

Keith came on Monday and Tuesday to help me finish the upstairs and closets and stuff. Jamey came in on Monday (she had an md appt on Tues.) and stayed until Wednesday.

I can be very difficult sometimes. My sister reminds me that I change often and want to be treated differently on different days. Some days I want to be treated as "normal" but then when someone doesn't understand my deficits or my anger, I get VERY frustrated! Other days, according to Linda, I want people to understand my EOAD/disability! Hell, I don't know what I want!

I've been trying to get this house straightened up and cleaned out so that I can move upstairs next door and Linda and Michael can move here from New Jersey. But, since I hurt my leg on my bike, I'm not much good for anything. It's very frustrating. The minute I start walking on my leg or if I go upstairs it blows up like a balloon and is very painful. So much so that I can't sleep at night. I'm still MAD about someone stealing my new Bike!

Today, I am resting my leg. I am sitting on my sofa doing Peer Volunteer work and making phone calls that I should have made all week.

Getting back to well, how do I say it, ME? My feelings, my emotions? God, that sounds so self centered! I guess, I'm just trying to put things into words that perhaps can help others like me or their care givers. Believe me, I don't have any answers! I'm learning as I go. I think my sister is going to have a lot to learn when she moves here. My BIL too.

I wanted to say something about my visit with my cousin Jamey. It was a good visit. I know, sometimes, I can be hard and difficult. Jamey is a very sweet, gentle soul, she's ,also, a little spacey at times, but, she LISTENS! And I needed someone to listen to me this week. I cried some, we laughed some, but Jamey listened. She was there and I LOVE her for that. Thank you, Jamey for being you!

Getting back to my craziness. Well, I guess you can call having Young-Onset Alzheimer's disease being kinda crazy! I have mood swings, sleepless nights, can't remember lots of stuff, yet still love my family and friends! Get angry a lot (although I am working on that) and adore my daughter.

It's hard to know what to say about this disease as it effects the brain and the brains effects so many things including feelings and emotions. I know some days the old me comes through and I want to take care of myself and be on my own and be self sufficient (like it used to be). Then, there are days when I'm not so strong and I wish I had someone to help me take care of all this including me! I didn't think I'd see the day when I'd want someone to take care of me but that's more and more how I'm feeling these days. Yet, It angers me that I feel this way! So.......what's up with all these feelings??????

And, when will I get over all these losses that I suffered since I was diagnosed with Young-Onset AD? I'm tired of feeling these losses! I want them over and done with. Is that too much to ask??

Peace and Hope,


Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's just another Sunday.

Hi to All.

I haven't written in a while because I've been in a big blue funk! At least that's how I describe it.

I've forgotten what I've written but I do know y'all know about my biking accident.

I saw the doctor for my thumbs last week (severe pain in both thumbs right greater than left). I have bad arthritis in both thumbs! ickkkk! Even ibuprofen doesn't help!

I have been soaking my leg and soaking my thumbs and I'm tired of soaking!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!

Oh, I don't know if I told y'all the latest. My new Trike was stolen!!! I received the bill for it on Saturday and it was already gone with the wind! Stealing really sucks! I don't understand why anyone thinks they have the right to take other people's stuff??? What's wrong with these people???

Oh hell!! sometimes, it just makes me so mad I could just scream! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

My leg is still huge and painful and I have been home all weekend with it propped up! I spoke with the doctor last week he said it could take 4-6 weeks to heal!! What??? I don't have 4-6 weeks!.. Linda and Michael are heading down south the weekend of Halloween!!! I'll give it a couple more days then..........

Aimee and Eric are doing well. Aimee is enjoying her dog walking/sitting. It was great to see her last weekend. Marty is back in Florida and safe! Jeff came and fixed my cable tv! Jamey is feeling better and coming to visit tomorrow (I hope I can walk). Mom and Dad are hanging in there. So far, so good!!

Elena is taking me to sign up for a drug study tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed.

Orange cat and white dog are fine. (I sure do miss my Rudy). They have been sleeping with me every night.

I still wish I knew how to give up my old life to make way for this new life!!

Any ideas??????????

Peace and Hope,


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It's Wednesday

Hi to All.

Just a quick note to let y'all know that I stayed home today with my leg propped up. Stayed off of it all day! Wow, am I bored! My cable is out too!

Spoke with Aimee. She and Eric and turtle are fine. Linda and Michael are still packing to move. Jamey's still battling severe allergy. Keith went back to work. Julie and Bob are fine in Texas. Haven't heard from Alexis.

I was doing some Peer Volunteer work today and I came across this quote: "We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I've been thinking about those words and I still don't think I'm ready to let go of my old life. I wish I were. I think it would make things a lot easier for me. How do I get to that point??

Does anyone have any ideas for me?? I would love the input!!!!

Tomorrow, I get another EEG and MRI as I have declined (which I knew) and my neurologist wants new testing!

I took a nap today and I wasn't supposed to because of the EEG tomorrow. Now, I have to stay up late and only sleep 4-5 hours! I hope I can make it!!

White dog and Orange cat are doing well. My elbow and leg are killing me!!

Peace and Hope,


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

It's Oct. 6th!

Hi to All. I'm not sure where to start. I can't remember if I told you all about my accident on my new trike.

Well, about a week and a half ago I was riding my bike again, having a good ole time, when bam I went up the curb to put my bike away and the next thing I knew I was lying on the ground in the street (hit the whole left side of my body). I laid there a few minutes (no one was around to help) so I surveyed my damage. At first, I couldn't move my left arm/elbow but then, after some massaging/rubbing it moved a bit, my jaw hurt, my head hurt, my left leg/foot hurt but I was able to lift my bike off my and get up out of the street!! I was pretty wabbally but I made it inside. Wow, was I beat up!! Bumps, bruises, scrapes and cuts ans swelling! I went into the bathroom and cleaned myself up. Took 4 ibuprofen and grabbed a couple of ice paks!

I stayed on the sofa for a while then later, I helped Mom and Dad then went to bed.

Ok, back to Aimee. Well, let me tell you this first. Last Thursday morning after talking with Aimee and Linda on the phone I went to take my bath/shower. I stepped into the tub to grab my scrubby pad from the back of the tub and when I backed out of the tub I touched the back of my right calf on the side of the tub. Well, I screamed in pain, my calf swelled up like a balloon, and a sat in the tub to soak my leg!! I was in horrible pain. I didn't know what had happened.

Finally, I managed to get out of the tub and called my Dad at work. I asked him to come home to bring me to the Emergency Room!! By the hardest, I got myself dressed and Hopped into Dad's van and he dropped me off at the ER. They did a quick exam and an x-ray. I said, "It's not broken but maybe I have a blood clot or something from the fall I had a week ago."

They put me in a wheelchair in a waiting room, with this ice bag that I couldn't fit on my leg. I'm in terrible pain!! No call light, no nothing. Finally, I banged on the door because I had to go to the bathroom. The nurses looked more aggravated than anything. She wheeled me to the bathroom where I hopped into the bathroom (no help mind you), finally went to the bathroom and hopped back to the wheelchair. Then, I was returned to this waiting room!

I waited and waited. Asked for something for pain which I was denied until they knew what was wrong with me. By this time my right calf is about 3 times the size of my left! About an hour later, I was taken for an ultra sound where they found a large internal hematoma. I was given a shot of toradol, prescriptions for some meds and send home with brief instructions to stay off my leg, elevate and ice it!!!

I didn't even have time to ask questions. I was wheeled out to pay my co pay, call for my ride and sent home!!! Slam, bam, thank you Mam!!! All I knew was that I was in severe pain and I wanted to go home!

Well, my leg in still painful and swollen today!!!

Anyway, Aime and Eric and Turtle came in Friday evening. It was great to see them!
Aimee and I were both disappointed about my leg but decided to make the best of it. We talked and laughed and visited.

Got up Saturday at 6:00am to drink coffee and visit before "Memory Walk." Of course, I couldn't walk but Aimee and Eric and Keith and Julie and Felix and Gari and another Lisa walked in my place! I was very honored to be there and to have all these wonderful people walk for me and Mom! The Alzheimer's Memory Walk was a great success!!

Later, we came home. I was exhausted. But I had bought crawfish tails to make crawfish etouffe for Aimee. So, I did!! I thought my leg would burst!! But, the look on Aimee's face while eating it make it all worth while!! She was smiling and oohing and enjoying! (So was the rest of the family). We did more visiting then later went to bed.

Sunday, I woke up ok but then I felt like I was drugged. We drank coffee and visited then I had to go to sleep. I took a nap on the sofa. Later, Aimee and I laughed and talked and watched the Saint's Football Game (mostly muted) but we could here the guys hooting and hollering! The Saints Won!! So, everyone was happy. We visited some more then went to bed.

Aimee and Eric and Turtle left Monday morning to go back to Atlanta (well, Snellville). It was a wonderful visit!! I wished my leg was better but I enjoyed being with Aimee and Eric and my grand dog Turtle! I LOVE them all so very much!!

Went to the doctor today who told me I had bad arthritis in both thumbs and to stay off my leg!! I don't know if y'all remember but I'm supposed to be moving upstairs in about 3 weeks! Try to stay off your leg and move at the same time! Pretty difficult!!!

Keith came yesterday to help with painting and shoe molding. I finally had to give up and sat on the sofa with a pillow and ice pack as my leg continued to grow and hurt!!

I plan to rest tomorrow. Keep my leg up , iced and try to stay off of it as much as possible!!! (Dad's already said he'd like to walk in the mall in the morning b4 the sitter gets here and would I listen for Mom). And, to top off everything my cable went out!! So, I have NO TV!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well, that's my life for now.

I've gotta get some sleep. Oh, went back to the shrink yesterday, he changed my meds again so we'll see what happens!!

Peace and Hope,