Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thursday before the Storm.

Hi to All,

I haven't written because of my big blue funk but then I decided not to let this funk get in my way so here goes........

Keith came on Monday and Tuesday to help me finish the upstairs and closets and stuff. Jamey came in on Monday (she had an md appt on Tues.) and stayed until Wednesday.

I can be very difficult sometimes. My sister reminds me that I change often and want to be treated differently on different days. Some days I want to be treated as "normal" but then when someone doesn't understand my deficits or my anger, I get VERY frustrated! Other days, according to Linda, I want people to understand my EOAD/disability! Hell, I don't know what I want!

I've been trying to get this house straightened up and cleaned out so that I can move upstairs next door and Linda and Michael can move here from New Jersey. But, since I hurt my leg on my bike, I'm not much good for anything. It's very frustrating. The minute I start walking on my leg or if I go upstairs it blows up like a balloon and is very painful. So much so that I can't sleep at night. I'm still MAD about someone stealing my new Bike!

Today, I am resting my leg. I am sitting on my sofa doing Peer Volunteer work and making phone calls that I should have made all week.

Getting back to well, how do I say it, ME? My feelings, my emotions? God, that sounds so self centered! I guess, I'm just trying to put things into words that perhaps can help others like me or their care givers. Believe me, I don't have any answers! I'm learning as I go. I think my sister is going to have a lot to learn when she moves here. My BIL too.

I wanted to say something about my visit with my cousin Jamey. It was a good visit. I know, sometimes, I can be hard and difficult. Jamey is a very sweet, gentle soul, she's ,also, a little spacey at times, but, she LISTENS! And I needed someone to listen to me this week. I cried some, we laughed some, but Jamey listened. She was there and I LOVE her for that. Thank you, Jamey for being you!


Getting back to my craziness. Well, I guess you can call having Young-Onset Alzheimer's disease being kinda crazy! I have mood swings, sleepless nights, can't remember lots of stuff, yet still love my family and friends! Get angry a lot (although I am working on that) and adore my daughter.

It's hard to know what to say about this disease as it effects the brain and the brains effects so many things including feelings and emotions. I know some days the old me comes through and I want to take care of myself and be on my own and be self sufficient (like it used to be). Then, there are days when I'm not so strong and I wish I had someone to help me take care of all this including me! I didn't think I'd see the day when I'd want someone to take care of me but that's more and more how I'm feeling these days. Yet, It angers me that I feel this way! So.......what's up with all these feelings??????


And, when will I get over all these losses that I suffered since I was diagnosed with Young-Onset AD? I'm tired of feeling these losses! I want them over and done with. Is that too much to ask??


Peace and Hope,

LCC

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