It's Saturday afternnoon and all is NOT well!

Hi. I've decided to try to write down what happened a few minutes ago in the bathroom rather than tell anyone and scare them.

I was in the bath room taking a bath when I couldn't remember how you use things and I couldn't remember which things I had done. Had I shampooed my hair or just wet it? I know now I forgot to use the smoothing cleanser on my body (can't think of the name). I couldn't find any deodorant. What's weird is that I couldn't spell deodorant but I found a dictionary to look up the spelling???

I went in the cabinet under the vanity in the bathroom to pack it and I got so confused and so scared. It felt like a demon was upon me! I was blank! My heart started beating fast and my respirations sped up! Anxiety?????? I don't know what it was but it was sooooooooooo confusing that I stopped and cried and left the bathroom!!! I still feel some doom but it's not as bad as before. I feel like I'd like to run and hide but there's no where to go! There's no one to protect me from the monster!! The monster is coming. I can feel it! I just don't know when it will take over!!

I'm trying to hold on to this roller coaster but damn it's getting really hard!! I know my sister & BIL are coming. I must hold on. I can't tell my folks because they'd flip!! They have too much on their plate already!!

Maybe it's the stress of the move??? Maybe things will settle down?? You know what's strange is that I can write this but I can't talk about it! When I talk I burst into tears and fall apart. So, I guess writing will be the way I do this??!! But, my handwriting is getting bad too so perhaps if I can hold onto this computer, I can tell my story.

I hope it helps someone because this feels terrible! It's terrifying!! At times, it gloom and doom!! I hope this will go away for a while. It's still with me now so I'll keep typing! Sometimes, it feels like when I've had too much to drink, or smoked a joint ( it's been 34 years), I feel discomboulated!!!! Everything feels and looks different. Except this keyboard. Maybe that's my reality??

I think it must be stress! I'm trying to become rational. Perhaps the move and all?? I've lived in this house for 32 years!! I'm so glad my sister & BIL are coming but maybe I'll miss my house like she'll miss her house??? I don't know anything anymore!! Yet, at times, I do know some things. It's so weird!!??!!

I hear the pump going in the pool outside and although it aggravates me it, also, gives me comfort because I know the world it still out there. And I guess to everyone else, it is the same world. But not to me! My world is rapidly changing. I hope I get accepted into this new study so I can take some new meds! But, perhaps I'll get the placebo?? Then what?? Oh well. I just can't fight everything!!

My visual/spatial problems are increasing. I am facing the fear of giving up driving!! I'm NOT ready. I'm too young. I don't want to be dependent!!! I am a fairly young, independent woman!! Oh no, that's the old me. Who is this new me? What can she do?? It seems she can't do much. That's NOT acceptable to me! But, who do I fight with or complain to??? Who will give me back the OLD ME???


I HATE being angry, scared and dependent! It's sucks big time!!!! I'm still trying to figure our who this NEW ME is and how to accept her????!!!


I think my mind is playing tricks on me! The devil! I guess Alzheimer's disease makes me feel crazy sometimes????

Now, I'm going to have to start writing down everything!! Did I eat? Did I bathe? Did I feed my animals? Did I take my meds? I don't think my little book is going to hold all that information!

I'm so tired. Tired of this disease. Tired of this day! Hopefully, I can take a nap and not have nightmares!!!


I have to stop now. I can't do this anymore.


Peace and Hope,

LCC