Tuesday, August 4, 2009

August 4th, 2009

Today I'm not going to talk about what I did. I'm going to try to talk about how I'm doing and feeling. So, here goes..........

I'm feeling very anxious, angry and even rageful!! Just about everything and everyone irritates me. I can't even handle watching TV tonight. It's aggravating and irritating! I don't know what's happening to me?! This anger/rage is draining me of all my energy. I don't even want to go out. I have to force myself to walk Winston. I feel a monster is growing inside me and some day I'm just going to BURST!!

My appointment with the new shrink is not until the end of this month. I'm not sure I'm gonna last that long. I may just start increasing my Seroquel on my own to keep this monster at bay?! Yeah, That's what I'm going to do, increase my Seroquel!!!

I'm still having a lot of bad dreams. I don't really remember them per se but when I wake up I feel upset and angry. Don't really know what that's about except that I must not be sleeping well.

I haven't been able to take any naps lately due to this anger. It keeps me awake and my heart pounds! I try walking around the house or doing laundry or some light cleaning ( bad back) but it doesn't seem to help much. And the heat outside has become unbearable because of the high humidity! One can't hardly breathe outside in August down here. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I feel trapped inside this fat body and crazy mind!!! Is this the madness of Alzheimer's??? Is this what happens as one declines??? This roller coaster is getting tougher and tougher to hold on to!

It's strange. Part of me is terrified to decline any further. Really terrified! And then part of me that is tired fighting this disease says I wish it would just hurry up and take me!
Take me into the madness so I won't have to fight every day or even every minute to stay sane and keep me alive and being me!!

Who am I anyway? Who have I become? Do I even recognize me anymore??? Is this madness starting to take me in? Is this the twilight zone that I'm so afraid of??
Or is this just a tired, old me? Tired of fighting, tired of being a caregiver, tired of loosing things, tired of trying to remember things, tired of a lot of things???

I just don't know. All I do know is that I'm very tired of living angry!!



Peace,

LCC

2 comments:

  1. This is very hard to read but it is even more difficult to experience. My heart goes out to you and I pray you will over come this difficulty. I think of what you wrote earlier about your Mother having several mini stroke. It is possible that her current state is caused by the strokes and no actual AD. Which would mean you may not be following down the same path. "God touch Lisa's mind and give her peace in her mind and spirit." May you have sweet dreams tonight.

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  2. Thank you, John. I did have a better night. I increased my Seroquel. Please, keep up the prayers. I can use all the help I can get! Thanks for thinking of me.

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