"Melt Down"

I didn't sleep well last night. Couldn't fall asleep. I think it was after 2 am! I woke up this morning very out of sorts! Confused, off balance, I don't know what to call it...........decline???
Woke up. Let Winston out and he took off after another huge dog across the street. I had to go outside in my nightgown to grab him as he ran into the street (luckily no cars , Thank god!).. Got him in then went to check on Mom. She was laying kinda sideways in the bed ringing her bell!! "Where were you," she asked? "I've been ringing this bell for about 5 minutes!" I said I was sorry I hadn't heard it as I was outside chasing Winston. Shortly after that Gloria arrived. Yes! I wasn't up to taking care of Mom today. Something's not right! Something's off! Kinda feel like I'm drunk/drugged?! Gloria helped Mom so I went home!

I wish I could describe the feelings and sensations I had today but it's very difficult to put into words!!! I felt like I had consumed a couple of beers and had a buzz. Not a good buzz, but a lethargic, confused buzz! (I don't remember ever feeling this way before). I felt alone, afraid, in fact kinda terrified!! "Oh my God, this is what decline feels like!!" At least I think so?!

Spoke with Linda on the phone. Just told her I was having a "bad day." Decided not to go run errands as my spatial perception seemed off. Just kinda hung out with white dog and orange cat. Then, Winston starts vomiting out of the blue! Oh no, Winston! What's that about! Cleaned things up and gave Winston a pepto for his belly! Then, Simon came to be lovey, dovey, purring, rubbing and talking to me!! How nice!

Went to take my bath/shower and shave. Had a hard time with the shaving but finally finished and was successful. I felt a little better! Fresher! Then, all of a sudden I started feeling weird again. I called to talk with my BIL but he was busy working. I didn't want to upset my sister. I finally called Elena with the AD Assn. She's so great. She stopped and talked with me and suggested I go see my PCP (Lenny). I thought, no, I'll wait. But as the day went on I felt weirder and weirder then the anxiety started! Oh no, not that too!! I thought about taking some meds but I thought it might make things worse.

Finally called my neurologist's office and tried to get and appointment but to no avail. Finally called Lenny. He's always my ace in the hole! Lenny's been my doctor for about 25-30 years. He probably knows me better than anyone! Unfortunately, he's specialty is Internal Medicine Not neurology! But, he said yes to come see him about 3:40pm for a talk.

Decided I needed to dive myself to Lenny's. (Dad had taken Mom to a urology appt).
Kinda hairy getting to Lenny but I made it. Donna (His assistant) took my vitals and updated my meds. Then, I waited a few mintues and Lenny came in. I burst into tears!!! "Lenny, I'm scared, I'm declining!!!" More tears then anger! "What are you so angry about?" "That I can't handle all this!!" "It sucks, not being in control and not being able to handle what I used to handle!"

Lenny slowly talked with me about my disease and too much stress! "You don't understand, Lenny, there's no one to help!" " Linda and Michael are doing the best they can to sell their house and move here." Lenny knew my sister Linda from before as she used to be his patient. "I want to talk with Linda about this," he said. "Sure," I said and called Linda's house on my cell phone. (I handed Lenny the phone). Ahhh, the answer phone picked up and he left her a message to call him. "You have to stop taking care of your Mom. It's just too much stress on you!" I cried some more. I felt guilty for not being able to cope! I've always been the strong one in the family! I've made in through a lot of tough times (with help, of course). Now, I'm a failure!! A complete failure!!!!! When my Mom and Dad need me most, I just can't handle it!! I'm so sorry Mom and Dad!!! I so wish things were different!!!

Well, I made it home. I went to check on Mom and Dad. Dad said the urologist said there wasn't anything else to do about Mom's incontinence. (I had told Dad that but I guess he just had to try. He's still in some denial about Mom and her AD).
I told them I was sorry that there was nothing else to do. They asked about my appt with Lenny and I told them I had a kinda "Melt Down!" They wanted to help or talk (especially Dad) but I just didn't know what to say!! I'm sad and mad all at the same time!!! So, I just went home to be alone with my failure!

So, here I am posting all this so that perhaps it will help someone else. I don't have any answers. I wish I did. I guess I'll just have to take each day as it comes and hope for the best!! I will continue my meds, my Ninendo and other brain things, walk Winston, and perhaps swim if I have the time. I'm really not sure what to do next!! I'm LOST!!

Wishing you all peace and hope.

LCC