"Deep Thoughts"

I will stray from my usual bantering. I have some things on my mind that I want to get down on paper/computer.

I have been thinking about my life, this disease, my family, my friends.

The truth is my life kinda sucks. I know many people will say that I am lucky. Today, I don't feel lucky! In fact, I feel down right cursed!

My life hasn't gone at all the way I expected. What did I expect? Well, I don't exactly know.
I did expect to get married (which I did) but I didn't expect to be widowed at 29 years old! Yes, I hoped for a child and yes, I did get a daughter (which I secretly wanted but would never say it out loud). I didn't expect to raise a 4 year old alone but I did. I wanted to become a marine biologist (I LOVE dolphins) but instead I had to become a nurse. Now, I'm not sorry that I was an RN, but I hadn't planned on that either. I didn't expect to have to work and go to school but I did. My daughter had emotional problems growing up (I guess not having a Dad was very difficult) and a Mom working/going to school added to her difficulties. I don't know. I needed a career and that was the only way I could do it! I did expect all the big problems she had.
Then, I didn't expect that hurricane Katrina would hit and that most of my close friends would move away. By then, my daughter had married and moved, then, my sister re-married and moved and I was left here with Mom and Dad! I just didn't expect all this!

And as for my personal choices, well, let's just say I'm a huge failure! As my sister always said, you want to save the world (including men). I've made some poor choices there too!

Well, I had my life in order for a few years then all hell broke loose. Mom started getting sick about 5-6 years ago and it's been downhill ever since! I started having problems at work (yikes, I'm my sole income) and had to take a leave of absence to get extensive testing done. After 6 months and about 8 doctors (including a trip to Emory in Atlanta), I was diagnosed @53 with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease! Lost my job, my career, my boyfriend, my income, my insurance only to wind up on disability and medicare at 53 years old! Wow, I wonder what I did I do to deserve all this????

I guess I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today. My life is boring, confusing and, at times, very difficult! If it wasn't for my Dad (whom I love yet he drives me crazy), my daughter Aimee (whom I love more than life itself) and my sister Linda (who has become MY rock - I used to be hers) and my brother-in-law, Michael, who has become my brother, My cousin Jamey (we're more like sisters), and a few close friends and family, I'd be completely Nuts!!!

Sometimes, I sit here and wonder what's going to happen next??? I have been to an attorney and gotten my affairs in order so that my daughter won't have to deal with that later! But, what's going to happen to me?? I talk with others like me on the AD Message Boards. I attend EOAD support groups. We all have similar concerns except that most people have partners. I don't have a partner. I won't ever have a partner!! I don't want to be a burden to my daughter or my sister but how can I help not becoming one????

The demon inside my brain is slowly munching away or shorting out everything that makes me ME and human!! Sometimes, I'm really scared. I don't know what will happen to me next. I am slowly loosing some of my long term memory along with my short term. I am having more visual/spatial problems now. I am having more problems driving. I have to be very, very careful now! I only drive when necessary or when I need to get away! Sometimes, I feel like I'd like to run away! But, I don't. I love my parents. They've been very good parents and good to me and Aimee. I could never dessert them!

Will I ever have a life again that is happy and fulfilling?? Yes, my work with the AD Assn helps a lot. It gives me purpose and meaning. But is that all there is??? I miss the OLD ME. I don't recognize this new person!! And, I don't like this NEW ME!

I hope, some day (God willing) to be a grandmother. I hope I will be ME long enough to know my grandchild. To LOVE him/her. Help him/her learn about life! Spend time with her/him! Laugh again! ( I do laugh sometimes, especially with Aimee. She's very funny and makes me laugh). But I only see her a few times a year! I hope when Linda and Michael move here I'll still be able to travel to see Aimee & Eric & Turtle, and some of my other family and friends!

Oh, I guess I've rattled along too much. Sorry for the downer! I'm trying to get some perspective but I'm no too successful these days. My brain just don't work the way it used to (Oh, that's right, Lisa, you have EOAD! duh!)

Thanks for listening and caring.

I wish you all Peace and Hope.

"Sometimes, dead is better." S. King

LCC