Is this really MY life???

My crazy mind wonders "Is this really MY life? The last year and a half have been so unreal! Yet, this is my reality now.
My life goes by day after day. I take my meds and supplements (when I remember to). I take care of my Mom who is declining almost daily and I wonder....is this it??? Is this all there is now???

Well, let me back up. I did go out to dinner with a friend this weekend. I did have some time for me. So, why am I complaining?? or am I complaining or just trying to re-figure my life? I don't know.
How do I figure out how to cope day-in and day-out? Dad's still in some denial so he's no real help. My ex, well, he's my ex... so no help there. He didn't get it even when he was around! Most of my friends are busy living their own lives. Don't get me wrong. They are great friends in a lot of ways but often they just don't get it. I mean, I'm not completely confused or drooling, so I guess they think I'm ok.

Ya know what, I'm NOT ok but I don't know HOW to BE ok. And, I don't even know what ok feels like anymore! Is there a NEW OK for me?

So many changes, so many adjustments, so many losses. Such a different me!

How do I become ok with the NEW me? My brain slows and sloshes and then a jolt of oh it's ME! I forgot! lol.

I don't seem to remember too many dreams anymore but I do think I dream of the OLD me sometimes. The way my life was or... was supposed to be. The Nurse, the Mom, the Sister, the Daughter, the Healer, the Lover, the Fixer, the Juggler, the Friend, the Cousin, the Calm one, the Rational one, the one with a strong sense of self, the Confident One, the Boss, the Leader.......... Wow, have things changed!

Thoughtsfromtherollercoaster.